adult onset hydrocephalus, Brain Injury, Caregivers

Can You Imagine?

Turns out I was wrong. Wrong that I was the one that was wrong. I was human, in all it’s pure ness of imperfection and impurities.

Can you imagine the days and nights I lived through?

With a husband whose vitality was waning alongside our young child whose vitality was emerging. And me in the middle, my love and energy pulled both ways, witness to growing life and compromised life under the same roof. The paradox.

Can you imagine the dilemma of who should I care for most? My child or my love? Unable to choose, I freely gave all I had to both, spending my energies with little left for me.

Can you imagine? You might think I’m heroic. I might be inclined to agree. But only now in hindsight, certainly not then as survival was the only primary goal. What I felt in the moments did not feel like glory.

I was scared. And that was okay.

I was lonely. That was okay.

I was inadequate. Still, that is okay.

I was afraid to ask for help. That was okay too.

I was broken and broken hearted. Even that was okay.

I was hurt and hurting. And that was really okay.

I was angry and confused. That was still okay.

I was ashamed. That was okay then.

I was bone tired and resentful. That was always okay.

Here I stand today.

All the fear, hurt, anger, loneliness and heartbreak.

Still a part of me. Not outside me anymore. But inside me, friends that I’ve accepted. They are all okay.

Because all that I survived,

All that I experienced, was the perfect impurity

Of being me. Living as best I could in my challenging life.

One that was empty of shared grief and empty of shared sorrow. Because my grief and sorrow felt wrong. How wrong.

But I survived.

None of these made me wrong. Trying to fix the essence of being human, to take away and ignore the pain and hurt, is disrespectful to the suffering soul.

Can you imagine walking the journey and honouring the sadness, the fear, and the hurt? If you can, please reach in to be the steadying hand to someone who, like myself, might just be thinking they are wrong.

2 thoughts on “Can You Imagine?”

  1. This could never be wrong. This is completely right. Thank you for honouring the path that we find ourselves on.

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    1. Thank you for this, Jennifer. I wasn’t sure I should publish this piece, but I’m glad I did. I believe a lot of people hide their pain because society appears to value those who are tough more than those who are real.

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